I will never forget the day I heard this song for the first time.

Nineteen-years-old, cruising home from work in my silver Grand Am, this song stopped me dead in my tracks and I had to pull over, because it made me cry so hard.

I remember the flood of emotions like it was yesterday. It was the first time I had ever heard a song about a mother leaving her daughter from the daughter’s perspective.

I remember thinking about my poor little sister who got the shortest end of the stick between the two of us, because she never knew our mom at all; She was only two when my mom left. I thought about all the times she had to endure my makeshift braids, because I was still only doing my best as an 8, 9, 10-year-old girl myself.

I remember sitting there thinking about how hard it was to go shopping for a graduation dress the previous year. Kindly, my best friend in high school, Lindsey Donnelly (Stauth), shared her beautiful mama, Margaret Stauth, with me and made it as much about me and my dress that day, as it was about hers! And I am forever grateful for that time we spent together – Thank you Lindsey and Mrs. Stauth!

The amount of times over the years that I have done a double take in the mirror, because I swear I had just seen my mother staring back at me, would chill me to the bone every time it happened. It blows my mind to think that if my mother passed me on the street she wouldn’t recognize me.

I think in that moment the biggest shock for me was that there was even still a chord to strike within me – at that point she had been gone from my life for almost 10 years!

——– I also think this is the reason I feel so strongly about people deserving and earning the right to be a part of your life. In my world, it is NOT a given to be a friend or a family member. In my opinion, being a parent or a friend should not be a right, it is a privilege and should be treated as such. With love, kindness, understanding, and mutual respect.

Fact: This song was actually co- written with Kellie about her life. I have attached the music video as well as the song lyrics.

 "I Wonder"

 Sometimes I think about you
 Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinking bout me
 And would you even recognize
 The woman that your little girl has grown up to be
 Cause I look in the mirror and all I see
 Are your brown eyes looking back at me
 They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all

 Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
 There's sunny skies as far I can see
 If you ever come back home to Carolina
 I wonder what you'd say to me

 I think about how it ain't fair
 That you weren't there to braid my hair
 Like mothers do
 You weren't around to cheer me on
 Help me dress for my high school prom
 Like mothers do

 Did you think I didn't need you here
 To hold my hand
 To dry my tears
 Did you even miss me through the years at all

 Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
 There's sunny skies as far I can see
 If you ever come back home to Carolina
 I wonder what you'd say to me

 Forgiveness is such a simple word
 But it's so hard to do when you've been hurt

 Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
 And just in case you're wondering about me
 From now on I won't be in Carolina

 Your little girl is off
 Your little girl is off
 Your little girl is off to Tennessee 

The thought of ever considering to leave my babies brings me to my knees in both tears and sheer agony. I could never leave these pure, sweet, angel babies! You would have to kill me first, and even then I would put up one HELL of a fight!

To anyone in high school graduating and picking out your graduation dress or suit, to anyone getting married and picking out your wedding dress, to anyone having your first child, and every child after that, if you ever feel alone, I am sorry… I am sorry that you were abandoned or had someone special to you pass away, I am truly sorry for your loss. You are not alone and it does get better. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but someday it won’t feel so painful. Little by little, day by day. Do your best to surround yourself with goodness and good people. Surround yourself with as much light as you can. Find people who shine just as bright as you do!

Side Note : To this day I still don’t have a CLUE what to say to people when they say things like, “Your parents must be so proud!” or “How hard is it on your parents to be away from your kids?” Do I say, “Well not to get all heavy and dark, but”… OR do I say a simple white lie and just nod and agree?… because these people are usually not the type to need to know my life story, I usually smile and nod in silence and quickly change the subject. 

I usually just change the subject because  I think people would be more surprised to hear that it doesn’t hurt me and I have completely moved on. OR if I ever do share, people get very uncomfortable and instantly look at me differently with a, “You poor thing” gaze or even verbalize that sometimes. I am genuinely not looking for pity. These are just my circumstances and it really is just such a long story.

What happened to me is not who I am. This is something that happened to me and my family, the true power comes from what you choose to do with it. I can however fully understand how difficult it is for people to process. It took me many years myself! 

But let me assure you, I have processed, I have come to terms, and I have accepted that my past circumstances are NOT my present life. And although moving on when I was younger wasn’t always easy, I can honestly say that after having Mila, Aria and Leo, I don’t foresee any other scenario that I would wonder if she ever thinks about me. Lord knows that on the VERY rare occasion that I do think of her, it is not with longing or pain, it is with hope… Hope that she finally has the life she wanted full of joy and peace.

Thank you again for reading my heart on the screen.

Side Note *** The ONLY one thing I wish I could ask my parents is what myself and my siblings were like as babies and young children, weight, length, personality quirks, those kinds of things…I would love to know if our children are more like me or like Brett as infants and toddlers!